I was going over my series on gender theory, and trying to come up with a new post, on chivalry, and I was struck forcibly by something I didn't expect.
Not only was I not doing what I'd set out to do -- set out a simultaneously Catholic and queer gender theory -- I flat-out didn't sound like myself at all.
I mean, I sound like a sort of internet-self that I have; I use it a lot on GCN, actually. But it was all very clinical and distant, like I was holding the subject at arm's length. Some modesty on the subject is appropriate, since I'm no expert; but this, on rereading, felt more like inauthenticity than modesty -- like I was afraid of revealing my real thoughts or feelings.
And I think I've been doing this with most of my posts. I don't think it's at all coincidental that my most popular post to date has been one in which I opened up a little bit about my experience as a gay Christian, rather than one in which I laid out this or that piece of theology or political theory.
Considering that it's specifically the experience of being queer that I want fellow Christians, and especially fellow Catholics, to come to understand, I kind of think that sort of facade is a dumb move. You can't think your way through all this; or rather, you can and should use your head, but you should use it in conjunction with your heart. And considering that one of my major complaints about the way the Church responds to homosexuals (and other queers) is the hush-hush, which I don't feel is helpful or healthy -- well, maybe I ought to put my money where my mouth is and open up a bit.
So I'll be taking a break from Mudblood Catholic for a few days, to see if I can't revamp my approach. Pray for me.