Collect


Prayer over the Offerings for the Assumption

Let this oblation of our devotion ascend unto thee, O Lord: and, at the intercession of the most Blessed Virgin Mary assumed into heaven, may our hearts, enkindled with the fire of thy love, continually yearn after thee; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

Friday, December 18, 2015

Serious Business

I'm working on a real post, but I just can't get in the right headspace for it at the moment. So, for your viewing pleasure, I offer you some Eye-of-the-Tiberian/Onionesque Catholic headlines that I jotted down a while back, having been inspired by some exceptionally bad music at a Mass in upstate New York this past summer.


Spirit of Vatican II Cast Out of Jesuit Professor After 57-Hour Exorcism
Fr Gabriele Amorth "Remain[s] Pessimistic" About Ridding Notre Dame of Infestation

Charismatic Catholic Retreat Declared "A Mixed Success" Due to Nonstop Glossolalia

Cardinal Kasper Caught After Harrowing 140mph Chase on Autobahn
German Catholics Report "Deep Sense of Relief" on Rogue Prelate's Capture

Nancy Pelosi Voted Head of US Episcopal Church

Pious Housewife Scandalized by Literally Everything

Local Parish Builds Cry-Room for Musicians

USCCB Releases "Choose Your Own Adventure" Missal

CDF Commissions Investigation of What the Hell a "Maniple" Is
Could It Be a Tropical Fruit? Some Kind of Disease? Who Knows?

Local Parish Replaces Dour Crucifix With Balloon Version

Current Antipopes Nearly as Numerous as Protestant Churches With "United" in Name

GOP Proposes Institution of Index of Prohibited Encyclicals
Rick Santorum: "Anything With Annus in the Title Needs to Go, That's for Sure"
Bill O'Reilly: "If Necessary, We Will to Resort to Reading Them to Decide Which Ones to Ban"

Fart Disguised as Sob of Devotion

Missouri Synod Lutherans Collectively Shrug, Become Catholics
"Eh, Fuck It," Reports Rev. Matthew Harrison

Pope Francis Realizes What a Terrible Influence He Is Thanks to Local Combox Warrior

Archdiocese of Detroit to Release New Flavors of Host to Draw Attendants
"Grace of Guava," "Cherr-ity," "Pecan Possession"; Approval Pending for "Forbidden Fruit Punch"

2 comments:

  1. The Lutheran one and the cry room for musicians are my favorites, but most of these are pretty excellent.

    ReplyDelete