I'm working on a real post, but I just can't get in the right headspace for it at the moment. So, for your viewing pleasure, I offer you some Eye-of-the-Tiberian/Onionesque Catholic headlines that I jotted down a while back, having been inspired by some exceptionally bad music at a Mass in upstate New York this past summer.
Spirit of Vatican II Cast Out of Jesuit Professor After 57-Hour Exorcism
Fr Gabriele Amorth "Remain[s] Pessimistic" About Ridding Notre Dame of Infestation
Charismatic Catholic Retreat Declared "A Mixed Success" Due to Nonstop Glossolalia
Cardinal Kasper Caught After Harrowing 140mph Chase on Autobahn
German Catholics Report "Deep Sense of Relief" on Rogue Prelate's Capture
Nancy Pelosi Voted Head of US Episcopal Church
Pious Housewife Scandalized by Literally Everything
Local Parish Builds Cry-Room for Musicians
USCCB Releases "Choose Your Own Adventure" Missal
CDF Commissions Investigation of What the Hell a "Maniple" Is
Could It Be a Tropical Fruit? Some Kind of Disease? Who Knows?
Local Parish Replaces Dour Crucifix With Balloon Version
Current Antipopes Nearly as Numerous as Protestant Churches With "United" in Name
GOP Proposes Institution of Index of Prohibited Encyclicals
Rick Santorum: "Anything With Annus in the Title Needs to Go, That's for Sure"
Bill O'Reilly: "If Necessary, We Will to Resort to Reading Them to Decide Which Ones to Ban"
Fart Disguised as Sob of Devotion
"Eh, Fuck It," Reports Rev. Matthew Harrison
Pope Francis Realizes What a Terrible Influence He Is Thanks to Local Combox Warrior
Archdiocese of Detroit to Release New Flavors of Host to Draw Attendants
"Grace of Guava," "Cherr-ity," "Pecan Possession"; Approval Pending for "Forbidden Fruit Punch"